Your
worries are over. The Messiah’s vanguard Elder Romney and Pope Ryan have miraculously
appeared upon the scene to save America from its godless ways. God will soon be
back in the White House as he was in those glorious days of the George Worshipful
Bush administration.
Jews
The
basketball court will be replaced by an artificial Wailing Wall. Yarmulkes made
from hundred dollar bills, provided by Sheldon Adelson,
will be required dress for all the help to remind everyone who America really
serves, God’s chosen people. Adelson also donated $10 million gift
to the Restore Israel’s Control of America fund. When President Elder and Vice
Pope get into office one of the fifty stars of the American flag will become
the Star of David.
You
might recall Rick Saint Santorum, a very sincere Catholic like Pope Ryan, and a
true believer who sought to remove Obama from the White House throne. He lost
out to Elder Romney but graciously endorsed Romney. Saint Santorum clearly
stated the mission of the righteous when he said to an applauding audience of
the faithful, “We will stand with Israel until every enemy of Zion has been
defeated!” (Quoted in Victoria Clark’s Allies
for Armageddon.)
Queers Unwanted
The
Elder and the Pope say it is essential that they get into office so that the
Rapture will not be delayed. If the Holy War against Iran is delayed Armageddon
will be put on hold and no one wants that. Of course the military will have to
be cleansed of its homosexual corruption. Sodomy is sin and should be punished
by amputation. God has been punishing America with mass killings and deaths of
U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan because of the queering of the U.S. military.
Social Security and Medicare
To
cut Social Security expenditures the Elder & the Pope will delay Social
Security benefits to the age of seventy-five, at which time the recipient will
also qualify for Medicare benefits. This plan should result in considerable
savings for the government, money that then can be devoted to the military.
Medicare in-country recipients will be offered free medical treatment at Oral Roberts Prayer Only Urgent Clinics to be opened across the country. Coupons for medical treatment in Mexico, 60% co-pay, will also be offered along with one-way transportation at a 20% discount. Seniors will also be given the option to opt out of the Medicare and receive free cremation at any of the Karl Rove Crematoriums. Donors of gold teeth, hair, and organs will receive a free inflammable Ronald Reagan lapel pin, men only. Women will receive a genuine plastic (flammable) Nancy Reagan brooch.
Medicare in-country recipients will be offered free medical treatment at Oral Roberts Prayer Only Urgent Clinics to be opened across the country. Coupons for medical treatment in Mexico, 60% co-pay, will also be offered along with one-way transportation at a 20% discount. Seniors will also be given the option to opt out of the Medicare and receive free cremation at any of the Karl Rove Crematoriums. Donors of gold teeth, hair, and organs will receive a free inflammable Ronald Reagan lapel pin, men only. Women will receive a genuine plastic (flammable) Nancy Reagan brooch.
Seniors
suffering from painful fatal diseases will be visited by Mormon missionaries
for suffering-relief prayer and the opportunity to join the Mormon Church with
an easy transfer of the senior’s life saving to the Church
of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Transfer of funds may qualify spiritually reborn
dying seniors for entrance into the Terrestrial Kingdom, the middle kingdom of the Mormons’
three heavens.
Best of all would be to qualify for special dispensation, which would allow the sick and dying senior to qualify for the normally Mormons Only Celestial Kingdom. The only drawback for some might be that living forever in the Celestial Kingdom would be like living forever in Salt Lake City, lots of Mormons in other words. And the women won't be like the belly-dancing virgins of the Muslim paradise. They'll be dressed in pioneer women garb. The Mormon god is a stickler about that. However, Mormon men can bring all their terrestrial wives with them. Warning: the dresses cannot be removed. If you want that kind of heaven then become a Muslim. However, getting in isn't easy. Special dispensation requires a large Adelson-like donation to a Mormon Republican Super PAC and I doubt that a senior on Social Security would have that kind of money.
For seniors who have fallen on hard times, like the IRS got all their money because they fell below the millionaire tax bracket, which allows special dispensation little to no taxes being paid by the wealthy, there is still hope. It's called the Telestial Kingdom, the lowest of the three heavens but what the heck, heaven’s heaven, right. The lowest heaven is better than what's below it. If penniless seniors can get their children and grandchildren to foot the bill, Telestial Kingdom is a real possibility. You're probably getting confused by now. Here's a diagram from Wikipedia should help:
I know, the Mormon heavens look a lot like a Club Med, but obviously God thought the Mormons were pretty special, real Latter-Day Saints, long after other people had been seduced by the wicked Enlightenment. However, as you can see, there is that other place. The place of Outer Darkness. This is where the Sons of Perdition go, mostly Democrats and Jews who didn't come up with a big donation. So poor Democrat seniors will want to convert to Republican Mormonism, the sooner the better, because you never know when the silver cord will be cut, perhaps by a nurse working for Pope Ryan's campaign.
That brings us to elderly Catholics. Under Pope Ryan's program they will be given the option to be visited by a Filipino or Hispanic priests to perform last rites. As you know there has been a short supply of Occidental priests due to the overreaction to the pedophilia scandal, which resulted in the Catholic Church's having to give perfectly good priests behind-the-scene desk jobs. Pope Ryan argued that the message and service of a tainted priest are not themselves tainted. Myself I don't see any problem. Obviously Catholic Priests wouldn't fondle an elderly, dying person, would they? Well, fortunately there are plenty of young, eager clean Mormon missionaries to take up the slack.
Best of all would be to qualify for special dispensation, which would allow the sick and dying senior to qualify for the normally Mormons Only Celestial Kingdom. The only drawback for some might be that living forever in the Celestial Kingdom would be like living forever in Salt Lake City, lots of Mormons in other words. And the women won't be like the belly-dancing virgins of the Muslim paradise. They'll be dressed in pioneer women garb. The Mormon god is a stickler about that. However, Mormon men can bring all their terrestrial wives with them. Warning: the dresses cannot be removed. If you want that kind of heaven then become a Muslim. However, getting in isn't easy. Special dispensation requires a large Adelson-like donation to a Mormon Republican Super PAC and I doubt that a senior on Social Security would have that kind of money.
For seniors who have fallen on hard times, like the IRS got all their money because they fell below the millionaire tax bracket, which allows special dispensation little to no taxes being paid by the wealthy, there is still hope. It's called the Telestial Kingdom, the lowest of the three heavens but what the heck, heaven’s heaven, right. The lowest heaven is better than what's below it. If penniless seniors can get their children and grandchildren to foot the bill, Telestial Kingdom is a real possibility. You're probably getting confused by now. Here's a diagram from Wikipedia should help:
I know, the Mormon heavens look a lot like a Club Med, but obviously God thought the Mormons were pretty special, real Latter-Day Saints, long after other people had been seduced by the wicked Enlightenment. However, as you can see, there is that other place. The place of Outer Darkness. This is where the Sons of Perdition go, mostly Democrats and Jews who didn't come up with a big donation. So poor Democrat seniors will want to convert to Republican Mormonism, the sooner the better, because you never know when the silver cord will be cut, perhaps by a nurse working for Pope Ryan's campaign.
That brings us to elderly Catholics. Under Pope Ryan's program they will be given the option to be visited by a Filipino or Hispanic priests to perform last rites. As you know there has been a short supply of Occidental priests due to the overreaction to the pedophilia scandal, which resulted in the Catholic Church's having to give perfectly good priests behind-the-scene desk jobs. Pope Ryan argued that the message and service of a tainted priest are not themselves tainted. Myself I don't see any problem. Obviously Catholic Priests wouldn't fondle an elderly, dying person, would they? Well, fortunately there are plenty of young, eager clean Mormon missionaries to take up the slack.
Atheists
will be left on the streets to die with the queers and Democrats, after which they will be transported to the Outer Darkness, where they will be heckled from above by the spirits of former Tea Party members.
Global warming
About
the problem of Global Warming? There is no problem because it doesn’t exist.
The drought in the U.S. is just God punishing America for tolerating queers and
having voted Beelzebub into the White House. In fact, rumor has it that God has
sent the Elder and the Pope to take out the queer loving Obama. Some true
believers say that the Elder and the Pope are in reality the angels Michael and
Camael and that Obama is the anti-Christ. Here's what true-believers see, the reality beneath the
human form:
The
divine duo are out of this world. And if they get into office they may bring
about the end of the world with Armageddon and the Rapture as the halftime
show. Go team, Rapture!
