GI Joe from Pituffik Space Base enters Comet Pub and sits at the bar.
GI Joe: Hey Malik, give us Bud lite.
Malik: No beer for you Joe.
GI Joe: What do you mean no beer for me?
Malik: Just what I said. I decided not to sell drinks to GIs.
GI Joe: Why’s that? I don’t get it.
Malik: No you don’t. It’s not about you, Joe. I don’t like President Trump or his vice president Mr. Vance.
GI Joe: Why’s that, Malik?
Malik: They want to conquer us.
GI Joe: It’s for your own good, Malik. The fucking Danes aren’t your friends. You know what they did to your people, forcing birth control on your women. After that you’re lucky you have any people left.
Malik: Yes, I know all about that.
GI Joe: I hope so. That politician what's-her-name Kim Høegh-Dam called it genocide.
Malik: Your people did the same to the Native Americans but used bullets instead of IUDs. And what about the Tuskegee experiment where white doctors gave black men with Syphilis fake medicine and just watched them suffer and die. Your Trump and Vance don’t care about us just like they don’t care about Indians, black people, or Ukrainians. All they want to do is exploit the land. People don’t matter to them, not even Americans matter. Vance said he doesn't really care what happens to Ukraine one way or another. And he doesn’t care about us either. He’s a fake, a moral vacuum.
GI Joe: Look, Malik, I don’t like him either. None of us do. But he’s our vice president, so he’s our boss.
Malik: I think we are better off with Aki-Matilda and Demark looking out for us.
Trump and Vance are ugly Americans if you get my meaning. And look what the MAGA cult has done to Americans. It has thrown millions of Americans out of jobs and ended programs that help the sick, poor, handicapped, and elderly. The MAGA cult you work for looks pretty evil to us and Americans, and we don’t want a slumlord taking control of our country.
GI Joe: President Trump believes Greenland is important to the security of the United States, Europe and Greenland because of threats coming from Russia and China.
Malik: President Biden cared about Europe and Ukraine, but President Trump hates Europe and Vance hates Europe and Ukraine. You have become a nation of haters. The only country you like is Russia so saying you will protect us from Russia is bullshit!
GI Joe: Putin isn’t as bad as people think. He sent an egg with Trump’s portrait on it to President Trump.
Malik: You like Putin more than you like us. The only thing you like about Greenland is the land. Your boss is a real estate billionaire. All he cares about is playing the Big Man and money. We have been politically and culturally associated with Europe for about a millennium. You Americans are aliens to us. And we live interdependently with Europe. And since nineteen seventy-nine we have been politically independent. We wouldn’t be free under the control of the United States. We’d end up like Hawaii—a conquered nation. You would do the same to us or come up with an excuse to make us disappear in San Salvador or change Hans Island into a reservation and put us there like your people did to Native Americans. And we don’t want to be Native Americans of Greenland. The Cherokee, Navajo, Choctaw, Blackfeet, Sioux and Apache aren’t Native Americans. They are Cherokee, Navajo, Choctaw, Blackfeet, Sioux and Apache. And we are like them. We are not Anglos or gringo or whatever you call yourselves. We are more like the Eskimo people than we are like you.
GI Joe: But we can become friends.
Malik: You live in a military base. You want to take control of us like the British took control of India, or the Belgians took control of the Congo, or the French took control of Vietnam. And look at what happened when the Americans protected the Vietnamese. They killed a million of them. We don’t want to be a colony of the U.S. You're not a friendly nation and certainly not a dependable friend as the Ukrainians found out. If you took control of us, you might make a deal with the Russians to divide us up as you have betrayed the Ukrainians. You even cut off intelligence sharing to Ukrainian soldiers killing more of them and Ukrainian civilians. You’ve become an ally to Russia and only pretend to be an ally to anyone else. You can’t be trusted. Like Russia and North Korea, you're alone in the world because you are not a friend but to be feared.
GI Joe: That’s nonsense.
Malik: Tell me, Joe, would you bomb us like you bombed the Houthis if President Trump told you to?
GI Joe: Greenlanders are not terrorists so do not need to be afraid of being bombed.
Malik: No were not, but President Trump said “we will go as far as is necessary to get Greenland.” So it don’t matter if we're not terrorists. And you didn’t answer my question. Would you bomb us like you bombed the Houthis if President Trump told you to? Or would U.S. soldiers invade Greenland, landing soldiers at the military base here?
GI Joe: President Trump is the U.S. commander-in-chief, so if he tells the U.S. military to bomb or invade Greenland, then that would happen. That's just the way it is.
Malik: The order to attack would come from Vice President Vance, who seems to like that sort of thing. He never experienced combat so he wants to play soldier, but in safety. He’s a phony putting down Ukrainians who are real soldiers.
GI Joe: But he is the vice president of the United States.
Malik: I’m sure he loves the power. So morality is never an issue. You would just do whatever Trump tells you to do.
GI Joe: Yes. Like I said he’s our commander-in-chief.
Malik: And given that he said that the U.S. will go as far as we have to get Greenland, I think we must consider the United State as an enemy rather than Ally. So no Budweiser for you and you can tell your army friends the same. I’m going to put up a sign on the door with the American flag:
ENEMIES OF GREENLAND ARE UNWELCOME.
And I will destroy any American beer I have on hand, unless you want to buy it and take it back to the base.
GI Joe: We won’t forget this, Malik.
Malik:
I’m sure you won’t. Your president has proven as much with the Ukrainians. And
I will put out the word that Greenlanders need to start building bomb shelters.
Goodbye, Joe.
