Master Putin Dines with the Dead

A visitor to Putin Castle saw the above photo in every room. He said to his guide, “Where did this photograph come from? I find it depressing.”

"Oh no. It cannot be depressing," responded the tour guide. "Master Putin is seen to smile only when he is looking at it. That is why it is in every room."

"Every room! How can you stand to see it everywhere you look in this place?"

“Whatever makes Master Putin happy makes me happy. One of his brave soldiers sent the photograph to him just before he shot the woman in that photo over there.”

"Jesus! Who is that woman?"

"She's a Ukrainian woman. That's all I know. Who she is does not matter."

“And who are those dead people in the ditch?”

“Ukrainians, of course. Master Putin sends a signed copy to the families of our brave Russian soldiers who have been murdered by Ukrainian soldiers. There have been so many thousands of dead Russian soldiers that an entire printing company is devoted to printing copies of Master Putin’s favorite photograph.”

“Why? I must ask.”

“To cheer up the family by letting them know why a brother, boyfriend, father, or son died in a foreign land.”

“And why did they die? Because Ukraine was about to invade Russia?”

“No, no. No one believes that though they say they do. Otherwise, it would be off to the Gulag for them. Why would any country want to invade Russia? Dead Ukrainians is why Putin sent Russians into Ukraine. Master Putin hates Ukrainians as he hates everyone except Russians. He’s a strange man, but he is our master.”

“He is not so strange. He is evil. He is a necrophile.”

“A necro... what?”

“A person who loves to see people dead. And as an evil politician he has the power to end lives like the lives of those people in the ditch and that poor woman. That is what he loves. Like I said, your master is evil.”

“I think it is better that we talk no more about this. Otherwise, we might end up with the people in the ditch or worse.”

"Or worse? What's worse than being dead?"

"There are things much worse than death. Before they died those people suffered."

“Thank you for speaking with me. I believe it’s time for me to leave if every room contains that photograph.”

“That is too bad. We were about to see Master Putin’s study. In it the photograph is wall size and on all four walls. He calls his study his happy room.”

“Study? No books, just that photograph on every wall?”

“No books,” said the guide with a smile. "Are you sure you don't want to see the happy room?"

"I'm sure."

"Would you like to see Mr. Navalny?"

"You have a sick sense of humor?"

"I do not joke."

"I know his body is missing."

"And I know where it is."

"Here?"

"Of course, in the dining hall."

"So he is alive?"

"I only said he is here."

"I have a bad feeling about this but I must ask, what is he doing in the dining hall?"

"Sitting."

"Sitting? Dead?"

"Of course. After Master Putin had his body embalmed, he had Mr. Navalny join him for his meals."

"How? I don't understand."

"Mr. Navalny sits at the table with him, in a chair, well dressed and all proper like."

"Does Putin talk to the cadaver?"

"Please! To Mr. Navalny? Of course, but mostly he yells at him."

"You have heard him yelling?"

"I heard him once yell, 'YOU BASTARD. YOU BETRAYED ME SO YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVE. HA!'"

"That's quite bizarre. Have there been others?"

"Many. I believe Master Putin enjoys the company of the dead because they don't talk back."

“Does Putin ever invite living guests to his meals with the dead?”

“On occasion.”

“Anyone I know.”

“You must know Donald Trump and Tucker Carlson. They are very big friends of Master Putin.”

“Yes, I know of them. I'm surprised they came. Who would want to dine with the dead?”

“Master Putin told them there would be many guests but not that they would be dead.”

“I see. And how did meal go?”

“Well, it was clear the presence of twelve guests two alive and ten dead made the Americans nervous. Mr. Carlson requested a food tester. That made Master Putin laugh, which he rarely does. The Master then speared the wild boar’s eyeball on Mr. Carlson’s plate, put it in his mouth, and bit down. The eye made a popping sound. After swallowing the eye Master Putin said, ‘I will be your food tester, Tuck. You Americans don't know what good food is.' Mr. Carlson stared at the Master with an expression of unease."

“Wild boar’s eye?”

“Yes. The meal was a wild boar Master himself killed. The eyeless head was on the table staring blindly. However, I don’t believe Mr. Carlson was convinced because he only picked at the potato next to the bloody boar steak on his plate, but he did finish a bottle of vodka, very special vodka, Zubrowka Bison Grass Vodka from Poland. Now you understand why Master Putin wants Poland for Russia. That way the best vodka in the world will be Russian.”

“And Mr. Trump, did he eat?”

“Not boar. Everyone knows he eats only McDonald's. He brought his own since McDonald's closed its stores in Russia, a spiteful thing to do. But Master Putin just smiled. If Mr. Trump will make a Russian ally of America, why would he care about what he eats? The dead guests didn’t bother Mr. Trump at all. He had a good appetite. He ate a McDonald's Big Mac, a Filet-o-Fish, fries and a vanilla shake. Can you believe it? No wonder you Americans are so fat! But no vodka for Mr. Trump. He said he drinks only Diet Coke and vanilla shakes. That caused Master Putin to shake his head as he chewed the meat of the boar he had killed. I think the Master was thinking that you Americans don’t know how to live. Ha ha. What do you think?”

"I think I should be going."

"Don't you want to say hello to Mr. Navalny?"

"No I don't. I should be going. Thank you for your hospitality."

"It's been a pleasure. I will show you the door."

"Thank you."

End of the Visit to Putin's Castle

where Master Putin dines with the dead.