Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Five Reasons to Vote for Romney



Reason number one: War. America is a nation defined by war. Americans love war. It has become a form of entertainment for the men and women in uniform and the audience back home. America was weaned on Indian killing. But we didn’t really appreciate war as a form of media entertainment until the Vietnam War. And not only did the war support the Military Industrial Complex and its thousands of war industries beating plowshares into swords, it became a source of endless movies and books. War is not only fun and entertaining but profitable. And now that America has defeated that Superpower Iraq and will soon Superpower Afghanistan, it will be time to find another Superpower to engage. Yes, I’m talking about Iran, and Romney has the cojones to kick start the next war.

Reason number two: Declare war on those filthy fags. First of all an amendment to the Constitution is needed to make it illegal for fags to marry, and Ryan is just the man to get the job done.

Reason number three: No Obama-care. If members of that 47% of bloodsucking pinko parasites can’t afford medical care, then just let them suffer and die. I’m sick and tire of all the gnashing of teeth and winging of hands over a bunch of losers. Just let them fucking die. And that goes for spending tax dollars on rescue efforts. FEMA is a socialist organization that needs to be eliminated along with Medicare. Because of God we live in the best possible of worlds. Hurricane Sandy was God’s way of punishing the East Coast for iniquities. Everyone knows that New York City is America’s Babylon.

What are people to do who are threatened by disease or natural catastrophes? Pray and God will, one way or another, answer those prayers. Also, once a month Ryan and Romney will be conducting laying on of hands healing ceremonies in front of the White House. Here’s a preview of that event: 

 File:Laying on of hands.jpg

Reason number four: Romney and Ryan have pledge to pass the Anti-Abortion Coat-Hanger Act if elected. No longer will doctors be allowed to sin against the unborn. If pregnant women want to murder their unborn babies, they will have to do it on their own using a coat hanger. If the woman dies from infection or blood loss it will be punishment from God. If he woman lives, well that’s why we have capital punishment.

Reason Number five: As soon as Romney and Ryan come to power they will turn control of the United State Government over to the Israelis, America’s greatest friends and allies, who already pretty much control the country. Jews are God’s chosen people, so who better to run America? Ryan has also proposed that Washington, D.C., be renamed as Theopolis, D.C. (dedicated to Christ) and the United States to be renamed the States United under God. Benjamin Netanyahu’s image will replace that of George Washington on one-dollar bills.

Reason number six: The decriminalization of rape. Obviously women who are raped have been selected by God to give birth to a divine love child. Those who do not become pregnant have willfully rejected God’s blessing and should be considered sinners. 

Reason number seven: De-Nig the White House: If you don’t know what that means, then you’re not a Republican.

Sorry, I was supposed to stop at five but I just got so excited thinking about Elder Romney and servus Dei  Ryan taking over the country.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Official Responses to Hurricane Sandy



The mayor of New York City Michael Bloomberg is upset with Mother Nature for threatening the city that he just bought. He appealed to the city’s orthodox rabbis to pray to Yahweh to call off the deluge. They have refused because the city is filled with gentiles.

He also considered asking the Catholic Church for its prayers but changed his mind because he assumed the Church is presently out of favor with God because of Rite of Pedophilia priests have been performing on choir boys.

Bloomberg did warn his subjects not to damage riot and loot public property which he considers his own.

The governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, has generously offered his own body as a shelter if the state is inundated. His body would be used as an island. Scientists say that his body would more likely become earth’s newest continent and warned that children should avoid digging in the fatty soil or otherwise risk coming down with fatal diabetes. Boats will be able to use harpoons to anchor to the island.

Mitt Romney accursed Obama of causing the storm, using Air Force One to seed storm clouds, in order to disrupt Romney progress against the president. As a result Romney has order a half million Mormon missionaries to pass out leaflets that says LET’S PUNCH BACK, with his son Tagg punching Obama. In the background appears a tree with what looks like a noose hanging from it.

When Paul Ryan was asked how he and Romney would respond to such a storm, Ryan said, “With a lot of prayer. In the same way people without medical insurance should deal with disease—prayer. Let God deal with such crises. He’s there for the poor and needy. And he’s got the power and like the energy from the sun he doesn’t charge for his gifts. Of course there would be prayer at all meals and at cabinet meetings at the White House. If it was good enough for Dubya it’s good enough for us. Just look how well he handled the Katrina thing, which affected mostly members of that 47% of have-nots and do-nothings. Lots of prayer. When asked about the dead. “They’re in a better place. Praise the Lord.”

In the South the born-agains have been rejoicing. First, they say it’s high time that God punished the Babylon of the East Coast, New York City. And they are hoping that next an earthquake will cause California to fall into the ocean. “The ocean will bubble like Hydrogen peroxide poured on an infected wound.” The other big hope is that Hurricane Sandy is a sign that End Times have finally arrived. “We’ve waited two-thousand years for the world to end and now’s the time. Glory be to God.”

Janet Napolitano of Homeland Security believes the storm was caused by al-Qaeda. FBI who flew aircraft into the eye of the hurricane reported seeing pages of the Koran swirling about the plane. Napolitano speculates that perhaps the body of Osama bin Laden should not have been dumped into the ocean.

Finally, Governor Andrew Cuomo ordered the city of New York evacuated and has cancelled all public transportation.

This is Mr. Living Right reporting from the Sunny Beach, California.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Hurricane Sandy is another Leftist Lie

Once again the leftist media is trying to frighten American citizens into believing that a weather event is unusual, “a rare hybrid storm.” Don’t believe them. God does not play dice with the lives of American citizens, unless they’re Democrats. That was just a little joke.

The Republican truth is the storm is an imagining of the left to scare Americans into reducing our economy stimulating carbon footprint. Myself, I’m proud of being a citizen of Carbon Bigfoot America.

As a spokesman for the Republican Party I can assure you that Sandy isn’t a hurricane, not even a storm, more like a cool, moist gentle breeze that commonly comes in the fall of the year. Why if I wasn’t in sunny California right now I’d be surfing off the coast of Delaware.

So mothers don’t fear to put your babies in their perambulators and take them out to enjoy the weather, the brisk air will do some good, and getting them away from their Latina nannies could save their lives.

Yours truly,

Clyde Smotherbreath
Chairman of Republicans against the Lie of Global Warming

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Richard Mourdock: Rapists for Romney Rejoice


Mr. Dick Misogynes, a serial rapist who has been president of the R.R.R. (Republican Rapists for Romney) since he was paroled from prison, said that he hasn’t felt so good since his last rape.

Misogynes said, “Richard Moredick [sic] became my hero when he announced, ‘I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize that life is that gift from God. And, I think, even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.’”

“I fucking agree,” Misogynes added. “I too struggled for a long time, like staying in the closet like I was a dirty queer or something bad like that. It’s an awful feeling. I raped and raped and raped, twelve years old to eighty years old. I never thought I was doing anything wrong. Deep in my heart I knew I was doing good because it felt good. But now I understand that I was doing God’s work by creating more gift babies from God. It didn’t always work. That eighty-year-old her heart just stopped. But now I realize it stopped because it was so full of love.

When asked about the Mourdock calling rape a “horrible situation,” Misogynes said, “He must of mispronounced what he meant. Politicians do that all the time. He probably meant happy situation. How can a situation that impregnates a woman with God’s gift of life be horrible?”

I’ve been like an angel doing what God wanted me to do, doing what God himself did when he impregnated Mary. And he did not ask for her permission. And afterward she was happy because she knew the baby was a blessing from God. So truly I am doing God's work. I don’t know how many women received the gift of life from me the way Mary got pregnant with Jesus, but I did the best I could. And I think that if they didn’t get pregnant it was because they were saying no to God. I’m thinking maybe I’m not a sinner but a saint. It’s those women who didn’t get pregnant who are the sinners.”

Mr. Misogynes said that perhaps rapists will be able to come out of the closet and be able to do their divine mission without interference from the authorities. He said people ought to be thankful to have a rapist living in their community. It is a sign that God has chosen their neighborhood for gift giving.

He concluded the interview saying that the rapists of America will be uniting to give Romney and Ryan their full support. “God bless the Republican Party and God bless the rapists of America.”

Friday, September 21, 2012

Romney: Democrat Mothers Are Closeted Welfare Mothers



That 47% of people “who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it” would have to include my mother, include all working mothers who vote Democrat hell or high water.

My mother was always a Democrat. Maybe that was because she lived during the Depression and World War II and loved Franklin D. Roosevelt because she believed he saved the country and most of all care about ordinary people.

Well of course the one big exception would be Dwight Eisenhower. I'm sure she voted for the great man who helped to save America and the world from the tyranny of the Nazis. He was larger than either political party. As a president he was less perfect than he was as a general. To his credit he warned America about the tyranny of the military-industrial complex, though no president contributed more to its growth, most unfortunately to development and multiplication of nuclear weapons. He also warned about getting bog down in land wars in Asia. He was and continues to be ignored by militarists, which do not believe Ike was. So Ike was not a great president but was a great man before he became president. And compared to him, all presidents since have been Lilliputian.

My mother was brought up dirt poor on a Texas farm. Her father was a tenant farmer. It was a time before irrigation when scary dust storms swept across the land like tsunamis. It was like drowning in dust. There were a lot of kids to feed and not a lot of money. Her mother died when she was just a young teenager. At the age of 17 she went off to work in New Mexico. Eventually she ended up working in California as a welder in a factory that made airplanes for the war. Then she started working as a waitress, helping to put her ex-sailor husband through college. She would work in restaurants the rest of her life.

The husband she helped through college abandoned her to raise her children alone. He never paid child support or alimony. She worked double shifts, and when she could she paid for babysitters to take care of her children. The boys would usually get into trouble if left alone, like setting off fireworks inside the house.

Eventually she bought a small house and remarried. Her new husband drank too much. During that time she took care of three of her brothers who were alcoholics. Two had fought in the war. One had spent the war in a Japanese prison camp. Those two eventually committed suicide. She and her husband divorced and she moved back to Texas.

There, she once again worked as a waitress, then managed the restaurant. She bought two little cheap houses (both for about $20,000), lived in one and rented the other. In West Texas they use the N word a lot. My mother never did. In fact she upset some of the townsfolk by hiring black girls to work in the kitchen. When she started them waiting tables some of the men told her that if she didn’t get rid of the black girls they wouldn’t come back. She didn’t get rid of the black girls and the men came back.

My mother worked until she got too old to work. She hated not being able to work. Retirement never suited her. She retired on less than $1000 a month from Social Security (another socialist entitlement program). Those were my mother’s first government checks. Until then she never received any form of assistance from the government, well except that she did send her children to public (socialist) schools. I’m sure Romney would prefer citizens to send their children to private schools like Cranbrook where he and his wife went to school. And, his running mate, Paul Ryan, would prefer either home schooling or Catholic schools to protect children from godless humanism.

I guess when my mother started collecting those Social Security checks is when she started thinking that she was a victim, that the government owed her a living, and that the government had the responsibility for caring for her. I had always thought that she had earned those checks.

Of course she should have had an additional retirement plan like a 401(k). But when she worked in California, I know she had two jobs, one at a restaurant and one at a cocktail lounge. I assume that was because like today the food industry prefers part-time employees in order to avoid paying for benefits such as health coverage—certainly that’s an employer’s god-given right, though Jesus was all about healing others.

As a waitress my mother’s main income was her tips, not her hourly income, which most likely was minimum wage (another socialist entitlement program). Like many Democrat working single mothers or even Democrat working married mothers, there was no extra money left over for investments, blind trusts, or offshore accounts. She didn’t have fancy accountants and lawyers to offer sophisticated tax planning techniques that would enable to avoid paying taxes. Fancy lawyers and accountants, like the people at Bain Capital, would not have been interested in her.

My mother’s life consisted of hard labor at low wages (yes being a waitress is hard labor, especially given waitresses have to put up with obnoxious male customers), raising her children, and paying taxes. Even when she managed a restaurant, which meant she did the accounting, the buying, the hiring and firing, and was the chef, she made no more than $25,000 a year. She never bought a new car except for a VW van she bought my brother when he came back from the Vietnam War.

I suppose Romney would think that after fifty years plus of hard work my mother had finally become a welfare mother. I say fifty years plus because growing up the child of a poor famer she didn’t have much of a childhood. She loved school because that’s were she could be with other children. Her family went to town once a week. Farm life then was a life of chores.

My mother liked Bill Clinton (I stopped liking the man after the M.L. affair) because she believed that he cared about regular people. I believe he did, though now that he’s royalty he seems to care most about fame and fortune. He’s no Jimmy Carter that's for sure (whom my mother also liked, and Carter never dirtied himself). My mother liked Clinton because he was a regular guy who had to work hard to make his way in life. She would have thought that Mitt Romney, born into a wealthy family, could never understand what it was like to be dirt poor and to struggle all of one’s life.

My mother had no chance to go to college. She was lucky to finish high school. My stepfather, who served ten years in the navy, including the World War II, didn’t graduate from high school. His parents had died and he was raised by his brother. After the war he became a bartender and died on the job in his fifties. He didn’t live long enough to benefit from government welfare. Romney has never had to experience that kind of hardship. He spent thirty months in France as a Mormon missionary. Come on, that not being a missionary but a tourist! Albert Schweitzer was a missionary.

And like George Bush junior, Romney loves saber rattling (actually Obama does too). But he never served in the military, nor has his sons (nor did the Bushian neocon Paul Ryan). During the Vietnam War, Romney received five-and-a-half years of draft deferments, as a “minister of religion” and as a student. My biological father was an orphan who was raised by aunt. He served in the military. His ship was sunk somewhere in the pacific. He survived. My mother never cared much for saber rattling. Maybe that was because she knew what war did to men and the women who loved them.

When my mother became very sick, my brother brought her into his house. She didn’t like feeling dependent. So my brother and I found her an apartment in a HUD facility, for which she had to wait a year. She loved being independent again. But now she really was a welfare mother, HUD being a federal entitlement program. She died there.

My mother would have voted for Obama, perhaps because he is black but mostly because he cares about regular people, even welfare mothers like mine.