“Why are you here?” asks PJs.
“Putin and I are very close. Je
soutiens ses bêtises et il soutient ma campagne.”
The French actor and alleged rapist
Gérard Depardieu says, “Madame Le Pen, don’t waste your time. The poor boy is a
Brit and doesn’t understand a word you’ve said.” He then scoops a large amount
of caviar onto a stack of crackers and stuffs them into his mouth and begin to
chew.
“Why were you invited?” PJs asks
the big man. But when Depardieu tries to answer crackers and caviar fly from
his mouth onto the other guests who frowned in disgust.
And of course Steven Seagal was
invited. “Why are you here?” asks PJs.
“Vladdy and I go way back. We’d get
naked and slap one another, a Russian tradition. Why are you here girly man?”
“I’m a big supporter of Putin. He’s the man,
if you know what I mean.”
“I don’t know what you mean, but
that’s okay. Wanna get naked and slap each other?”
“Maybe later.”
Then PJs sees Schwarzenegger and asks him why he’s
there.
“It’s logical. I love Russians,
Putin is a Russian, so I love Putin. I love Russians, I love Russians....”
“I get it,” says PJs. “You can
stop.”
Then PJs sees his greatest hero of
all time, former President Donald Trump. “Would you sign my napkin, Mr. President?
I hate Biden.”
“Everyone hates Biden, even his
supporters,” responds the aged orange man, who then signs PJs’ napkin. PJs
folds it very carefully and put in his shirt pocket. “Thank you, thank you a
dozen times, Mr. President,” says PJs wiping the tears from his eyes
inadvertently with the same napkin. Then he asked, “What brings you here, Mr.
President?”
“Why don’t they turn down that
fucking music! It’s driving me fucking nuts.”
“Shiss, Mr. President, says PJs, probably
afraid of getting thrown overboard. "It’s the Russian national anthem. Anyway, I know
you and Putin are big friends. Is that why you’re here?”
“More than friends. Partners in
crime you might say, ha, ha, ha. Me and Putin are bosom buddies. I like the way he does things and as you know I tell the world
what I think. Putin doesn’t let conscience get in the way, you know. I’ve told
everyone that his invasion of Ukraine was smart, very savvy, pure genius. Like
I said, he don’t let conscience get in the way. If he wants something he takes
it. You don’t like it, tough shit. I like that. Real different from those
squeamish fucking Democrats except when their hordes were burning down American
cities. Then they were doing it Putin’s way, but being fucking hypocrites they won’t
admit it.”
“Ditto that, Mr. President.”
PUTIN
OVER A LOUD SPEAKER
“LORD PUTIN SPEAKS!”
“Welcome
guests, I have a wonderful announcement to make. We are winning!”
Everyone applauds.
“Half the Ukrainian children have been displaced from their homes by
our brave Russian soldiers. Ukrainian mothers are having to abandon their
children to fight alongside Ukrainian men. Such desperation and foolishness
against our glorious tanks, planes, drones, and bombs. When will they ever learn
that our brave soldiers will not be defeated by mothers, wives, sisters, and
girlfriends. Where have all your men gone? To graveyards every one. Ha, ha, ha”
laughed the demonic voice that sent chills through the guests.
“You got to love the Russians, says
Schwarzenegger”
“I tell you, no conscience,” says
Trump. “Mothers and wives fighting tanks. That’s brilliant.”
“He’s a good man,” chirps Le Pen.
“Mothers and wives fighting on the battlefield is nothing compared to the tragedy of $5 a gallon gas, which only cost a couple of bucks in Russia,” grumbles Tucker. "Russia is a fucking paradise!"
PJs adores Tucker Carlson. “Hey,
Tuck!” shouts PJs. “How’s it hanging, bro? I knew you’d be here. You’ve always been a big Putin fan. So what got you
the invite?”
“Been saying all along that there
is no reason the United States should assist the Ukrainian people in their fight
against Putin’s war machine. It's like fighting progress. And we’re the ones suffering, already paying $5 a gallon for gas. What a tragedy, so sad. My chauffeur says my Cadillac Escalade ESV
cost over a hundred bucks to fill up. That’s a tragedy. So I say let Putin have
Ukraine if it means cheaper gas for Americans. That’s called patriotism.”
“Let me ask you this, Tucker. Is
that really Putin at the other end of the table? I can’t tell, didn’t think I’d
need to bring a pair of binoculars with me.”
“Probably not. He has to be
careful. He's hated almost as much as Biden is. On my way in I saw a dead food
taster on the floor.”
“Do you think the caviar is safe?”
“Don’t know, but I’m going to eat mine.
No way I’m passing up free caviar.”
“What do you make of the blue and
yellow crackers in the shape of babies?”
“Your guess is as good as mine.”
“Did you notice that they contain a
red sauce inside that squirts out when you bite into them?”
“Delicious and cost free.”
Then Depardieu asks in a big voice,
“How come we don’t get a big spread like those guys at the other table?”
PJs asks Tucker. “Yeah, Tucker, why
do they have a ton of food and we just get Ukraine baby crackers and fish eggs?”
“That table is for corporate collaborators
that are still doing business in Russia. A few kept businesses open in Germany
during World War II. I think American fast-joint operated in
concentration camps for the guards only, of course. Skinny Jews made the
sandwiches and burgers.”
“Nah, you’re putting me on,
Tucker,” says PJs with a bubbleheaded grin.
“I’m just trying to get you to shut
the fuck up. You ask too many questions.”
“Look here, Tucker, what’s this
card on our table?” PJs takes the card and opens it.
All at the table take notice.
“What’s it say?” asks one of the guests.
“Table reserved for unpardonables.”
“Must be a joke,” says Le Pen,
“I’ve done nothing wrong. How could I? Je ne suis qu'une politicienne!”
“Your party the Front National..."
"National Rally now."
"Whatever, it received 9.4 million euros from a Russian bank. That could not have happened
without Putin’s okay. Nothing happens in Russia without Putin’s okay.”
“It was a loan, nothing more.”
“Has the loan been repaid?”
“We are working on repayment.”
“After eight years it’s beginning
to look like a gift.”
“Don’t insult me. Je suis une femme
d'État pour la France, the last hope for France.”
“Yes, yes, I understand, but about
the so-called loan. Were there strings attached?”
“No strings, no, of course not.”
“During your last campaign you said
you are an admirer of President Vladimir Putin and promised a softer line on
Russia, urging the West to drop economic sanctions on Moscow. I expect that would be
reason enough for Putin to give you the 9.4 million euros. O course that's pocket change to him.”
“That was a long time ago. Things
have changed.”
“Yes, they have. So have you repudiated
your relationship with Putin?”
“Why would I? The war? It’s a small
thing. I’m sure Putin has his reasons for the war.”
“I was just wondering since you
haven’t repaid the money that there might still be strings attached.”
“You are obsessed with strings. Of
course there are no strings."
“Really? After an emotional address from Ukrainian President Zelensky, the European Parliament voted overwhelmingly in favor to accept the country's application to join the European Union as the Russian invasion of Ukraine intensifies. Yet, the members of Parliament from the Front National... I mean National Rally abstained. Was that your doing?"
"No. My party is independent. Totally!”
"But you make your views well known about Russia and Putin. You warned Wednesday against
sending any more weapons to Ukraine, and called for a rapprochement between
NATO and Russia once Moscow’s war in Ukraine winds down.”
“There is no reason to antagonize
Putin when he could become an ally.”
“Still, Madame Le Pen,” says PJs, “I would
have expected that you would be dinning in a bunker with Zelensky.”
“Why do you say that!”
“Well, your big message to the
French people is that unlike Macron you would defend France against invaders.
Isn’t that's what Zelensky is doing, defending Ukraine against Russian invaders?
Yet you say nothing in support of him and are here eating caviar provided by the
man responsible for the invasion of Ukraine. Isn’t that a little hypocritical?”
“Je suis une femme politique, c'est
tout. Besides, I prefer caviar to les rations de combat.”
“Your Brits’ ration-pack food, dear
boy,” explains Depardieu, who then waves a waiter over to the table. “More
crackers and caviar s'il te plaît et qu'est-ce que c'est que ce bordel? Did you
put that insulting card on our table?”
“Not me, sir. Anastasia set the
table.”
“We feel insulted,” says PJs. “We
would like to speak to her.”
“That is impossible. Did you not
hear the splash? She was stowaway, Ukrainian. Please accept my apology. Each of
you will receive an autographed photo from Lord Putin.”
All at the table smile then applaud.
“Apology accepted.”
“Where are the other members of the Putin Fan Club,” someone asked.
“You mean John Barrasso, Marsha Blackburn , Mike Braun , Ted Cruz, Bill Hagerty, Josh Hawley, Ron Johnso, Mike Lee, Cynthia Lummis, Roger Marshall, Marco Rubio, Eric Schmitt, Rick Scott, and J.D. Vance?”
“Yeah. I knew they took pride in being nobody’s friends, but us! We’re back-stabbing bastards just like them. Where are they?”
“In the Neville Chamberlain VIP Lounge.”
“That’s so unfair. I mean we’re just as much Putin boot lickers as they are.”
“Not really. We talk the talk but they walked the walk. They voted for the destruction of Ukraine.”
“That’s extreme," said PJs, "like lots of dead Ukrainian men, women, and children. Why in the fuck don’t they just give up? Personally I’m not a fan of killing men, women, and children.”
“Then you’re in the wrong club. Killing men, women, and children is Putin’s thing.”
“What do they get that we don’t get?”
“A gold watch with Putin’s image engraved on it.”
“Ooooh that’s not fair. I want one.”
“Then you need to figure another way to stab Ukraine in the back like the death to Ukraine Republicans did.”
“I can do that. Trump made me an unofficial Republican. I'll do whatever it takes to get a gold Putin watch. Tell me more about it.”
“It’s very unique and very popular with Russians though only oligarchs can afford gold ones. The rest of the population must settle for plastic ones with a sticker of Putin’s face. The VIP watches were made from gold taken from the teeth of dead Ukrainian soldiers and civilians. That’s what makes them so expensive. Russian soldiers usually keep the teeth for themselves, whether they have gold or not to make necklaces for their girlfriends. But Putin pays a thousand Rubles for a gold tooth, about thirty dollars and a free plastic watch. The feature you would like most is that the watch tells time backwards with the inscribed motto Back to the Stone Age.”
“Wow, I gotta get one of those! Who do I need to betray. Maybe you guys! Ha ha ha! I mean what are friends for?”
“The Russian Church thought the motto should be Forward to Armageddon.”
“That would be World War Three. I don't like that so much. It could happen anytime.”
“Yes. They’re so looking forward to the end of world. Patriarch Kirill claims every ICBM is an angel in disguise.”
“Wow, that’s extreme!” said PJs. “It’s a whole different way of thinking.”
“Not really. It’s stone age thinking.”
