Doctors for Vice President Dick Cheney announced that his abnormal heart rhythm has returned. As you know Cheney underwent a secret heart transplant at the U.S. Army Nosferatu Research Facility (ANRF), located at a secret U.S. interrogation base in Transylvania, Romania, after his body had rejected a number of human hearts at George Washington University Hospital. At ANRF scientists were finally able to construct an artificial heart for Cheney out of sixty rattlesnake hearts, but they had warned that the new heart could experience serious abnormal rhythms when Cheney had aggressive thoughts, such as when thinking about going to war or torturing captives. As a result, abnormal rhythms became a chronic state for the rattlesnake heart.
In addition, an examination has shown that many of the rattlesnake hearts have been secreting venom that exacerbated the condition. Incredibly doctors are now considering replacing the rattlesnake heart with the heart of the dead dictator Saddam Hussein. DNA samples have shown that Hussein’s heart is compatible with Cheney’s old heart, which has been kept preserved in formaldehyde in a jar located in President Bush’s office. Apparently, Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, and Powell have pledged that after they die their hearts would be preserved together in the War and Torture Wing of the George W. Bush Library, to be located at Crawford, Texas. Let us hope and pray that the doctors at George Washington University Hospital are able to revive Hussein’s old heart and give our Vice President the long and happy retirement he so very much deserves.
