Two great American artists who answer the question What is America? are no longer with us.
Actor David Carradine, who tragically recently passed away, hanged by his penis. This was a man whose acting ability on television eclipsed the likes of Steve McQueen, Richard Boone, and Robert Young and others whose names have been forgotten. His performance in Kill Bill set a new standard of excellence for actors. You may recall that cinematic masterpiece, which eclipsed Citizen Kane in artistic skill and thematic insight that captured the mindset of a new America. In his personal life he was a faithful husband to all five of his wives and expressed his highest love in the form of self-bondage. This remarkable American who has come to define America today will not be forgotten.
And then there is the king of American culture today, Michael Jackson, the boy-man who loved children. Michael’s musical genius overshadowed the has-beens of yesteryear, such as Louis Armstrong, Duke Ellington, and Ray Charles, and his dancing ability made Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire look like cripples. Just consider the inspiration that gave the world the white socks, the single white sparkle glove, and the red jacket. If Jesus was performing next door to Michael he would have no audience to preach to and would soon find himself among Jackson’s admiring fans reaching out to the new messiah. And who could blame those longing souls for abandoning Jesus to hear such great songs as “Beat It” and “Bad.” These weren’t just songs but anthems to a new America. And then there was the “moon walk,” a pure stroke of genius that makes Rudolf Nureyev look like a stumbling fool. Nureyev who? you ask. Completely understandable. And then there was the physical transformation that turned the human Michael Jackson into Michael America’s Archangel.
It is whispered Washington, D.C., that President Obama will declare an official Michael Jackson holiday to replace Martin Luther King Day. The country must preserve the profound and inspiring cultural changes that have made it the envy of the world. Thus it has been rumored that President Obama will wear the single sparkling white glove, red jacket and white socks and do the moon walk for an entire day to further honor this great, fallen American hero. Appropriately, it as also been suggested that Jackson's Neverland Ranch be transformed into a spiritual institute for child molesters.
And there you have it, two giants who represent the America of today, who have swept away the Lilliputians of yesteryear. Apparently, George Washington’s forgotten face will be replaced by that of Michael Jackson’s on the dollar bill and Hamilton’s will be replaced by Carradine’s on the ten dollar bill. And a stamp has been authorized with an image of Michael with young children sitting in his lap, reading to them from his unpublished little book My Adventures in Neverland.
Do not grieve America, though my keyboard is covered with tears. An even greater and newer culture awaits, defined by such renown directors as Judd Apatow and Quentin Tarantino, musicians such as Ice Cube, Eminem and Britney Spears, and actresses such Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. So as you can see America’s culture is glory bound and has only further greatness ahead of it. The world looks to us and we are pointing the way to a Brave New World.
And our message to Iran is clear: Ayatollahs, get off the prayer rug and cast off your black robes and put on the glitter glove, white socks, and red jacket and join America in doing the Jackson Moon Walk. And tell your girls to throw away those burkas and put on a Peek-A-Boo Bra with G-string and start dirty dancing for daddy.
Good night, America, and God bless.
